It's My Life
by PlagueOfPrague
Summary: Take's place after the bathroom scene in 'Seeing Red'. Buffy's upset and goes to see -who else?- Spike. Basically lotsa angst and guilt.


Title: It's my life 

Author: Hope

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss, 'My Life' is © The Stones.

A/N1: Takes place after the bathroom scene in 'Seeing Red'. Xander never showed up.

A/N2: I'm a B/S shipper, really!! I am!! I was just in a weird mood….

---------- It's my life 

Buffy hastily wiped the tears from her eyes and tightened her robe around herself. Sniffling as she fought off more tears, she rab her shaky fingers through her hair. He had claimed to love her –and part of her honestly knew he did- but he had hurt her. Not so much physically as emotionally. Why did it hurt so much to think of him and what he wanted to do? God, what if she hadn't stopped him?

_I find myself in question again_

_And I doubt this love you've given to me_

_I hope you understand when I say_

_That I need this time to myself_

Resting her head absently on the towel rack behind her, she clenched her eyes shut. Darkness. That's all she could see or feel. An empty blackness that threatened to consume her whole. And it was all because of him. He had done this to her. He had torn her apart from the inside out.

He made her like this. He told her that she was supposed to feel like this, to be like this. He told her she belonged in the darkness.

With him.

_You speak your mind to me again_

_You voice your words so deep within_

_You try to tell me how to live_

_But it's my life_

But then why did it always hurt when he was around? If he was right –if she **did** belong in the dark- it wouldn't hurt like this. Nothing should hurt like this.

He was wrong.

She wasn't like him. Not in the least.

Wincing, the broken slayer stood and stumbled from the bathroom. After flicking on the light in her room, she pulled out a pair of jeans and a white tank top. She slipped quickly into the clothes despite the pain coursing through her limbs. 

How could he do this to her? Was he that blind to her pain?

Clenching her jaw tightly, she made her way out into the night. Her feet would carry her to his crypt, no doubt, but not for the comfort she had grown accustomed to. Never again would she fall into his arms.

_I know you're open arms too well_

_Cause I've lost myself in them many times before_

_I need to slowly fall away_

_Fall from the grip you have on me_

She had almost had the courtesy to knock when she arrived at the small stone structure, but fought against her manners. He hadn't bother to knock when he had barged in on her earlier, had he? 

No. There were no more rules to play by.

She kicked the door, sending it flying from it's hinges and clattering loudly to the floor. The vampire inside gave her a concerned look as she grimaced, searing pain shooting through her.

He should feel bad, he caused it.

_You speak your mind to me again_

_You voice your words so deep within_

_You try to tell me how to live_

_But it's my life_

"Oh, God, Buffy." The blonde vampire mumbled softly as he stood and took a hesitant step towards her. Her cold gaze stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Don't." She commanded. That simple word sent chills through him. It meant so many things: Don't touch me. Don't come near me. Don't **love** me.

"I'm so sorry…"

_I find these words are never true_

_I've lost all my respect for you_

_I need to find my own way_

_Cause it's my life_

She almost felt pity at the tears that brimmed his eyes, but vanquished the feeling quickly. Where was his pity and sympathy when she had been begging him to leave her alone earilier?

There had been none. He had cared only for himself and how he thought she should be. He wanted her how he wanted her. Not her, but his version.

The dark version.

Dark things can't love. 

She fought to control her own tears as she ran her fingers over the stake in her hand. That's what she had come here to do: kill him. End him. End the pain. End the darkness.

But she couldn't.

_Shouldn't feel like this_

_(You try to take)_

_I can't get away_

_(To deceive me)_

_Just leave me alone_

_(Nothing's ever gonna change)_

_I can't be this way_

_(Cause I'm alone again)_

_Please_

"I love you…"

She almost didn't hear the words he spoke them so softly, but all the same they sent a familiar pain surging through her.

"Go." She said flatly. He looked at her with teary eyes, confused. She swallowed back her tears. "I want you gone by morning. Don't come back. Ever." She fought not to cry as tears began to pour down his pale face.

He knew he had gone to far. This was **his** fault and he wasn't fighting. He had done this. They both knew that.

But she had drove him to it.

No. She shook her head and turned quickly, walking back out into the night as her tears began to fall.

It was **all** his fault, not hers…

 _Gotta get away_

_(Won't separate)_

_Gotta get away_

_(Just won't separate)_

_I gotta get away_

_(You're pushing me away)_

_I gotta get away_

She walked quickly, praying he wouldn't follow. She couldn't bear to be around him anymore.

It would kill her.

Just turn you're back and run. Picking up her pace, she raced from the cold cemetery.

She'd never see him again.

_I'm gone_

Spike leaned against the broken door frame and watched her run, not acknowledging the cool tears streaking his face.

What had he done?

He'd killed her.

No. He had just been wrong. She had never belonged with him.

Why?

Because he could break her. The darkness in **him** would destroy her.

It **had** destroyed her.

_You speak your mind to me again_

_You voice your words so deep within_

_You try to tell me how to live_

_But it's my life_

She slammed the door and leaned back against it, silent sobs wracking her small body as she slid to the floor. 

It wasn't supposed to hurt this much.

It was supposed to make the hurt go away, supposed to make everything better. To make her alive.

His love made her feel alive and she had forced that away for good. She had no one to run to now. No more comforting arms.

No one to tell her she belonged in the dark.

She had her life back.

_I find these words are never true_

_I've lost all my respect for you_

_I need to find my own way_

_Cause it's my life_

The vampire stood on the road outside the Summers house, just thinking about the girl who lived there. The girl he loved with all his unbeating heart.

The girl he destroyed.

He had been so wrong. Wiping a stray tear from his face, he threw his leg over the seat of his motorcycle.

He would leave her to pick up the pieces he scattered. That's what she wanted.

She didn't want him.

He glanced at the window one last time as he revved the bike up. Her bright green eyes stared back at him, he thin frame outlined by the dim light behind her.

One last glimpse before he left for good, left her to pull herself together.

She watched sadly as he sped away. Out of her life.

Her life.

It was hers again.

_It's my life_


End file.
